Good Enough
Definition: Satisfactory, adequate, adequately good for the circumstances
Who defines what is good enough to you? Your friends, family, boss, co-workers, significant other, your church?
The phrase “good enough” has been widely studied and discussed in the field of psychology, particularly as it relates to child development (D.W. Winnicott). The integral role of the mother-child bond and the way it is blamed for future psychological issues when it is negative, has often been the subject of jokes and sitcoms regarding psychotherapy. You have probably seen the infamous sketch of the therapist seated across from the patient lying on the couch being asked, “so tell me about your mother”. But the point I want to make is about the “good enough mother”.
Research states that the mother only has to be good enough in order for the child to feel safe, cared for, develop an authentic sense of self, learn the skills necessary to tolerate hardships and disappointments and to form healthy relationships. So we have to be good enough, not perfect. In fact, if a mother is too perfectly attuned to her child, the child never develops the capacity and skill set, nor the confidence, to handle life’s trials and uncertainties (www.psychologytoday.com- Redefining Good Enough).
If we intuitively know we are not perfect and others are not either, why do we still consciously or unconsciously expect perfection from ourselves or others? Why is it that often good enough is not enough for us?
If my child misbehaves or doesn’t get the test grade I wanted him to get, should this be a reflection of me not being a “good enough” mother? The answer is no. You are your own person and so is your child. As much as we may try to control their every move and every word that comes out of their mouths, we know it is not possible, nor is it wise. Would we expect perfection from our children or just that they do their best in every situation?
Are you a good enough mother, wife, sister, friend, employee? If you are unhappy with how you’re performing in one of these roles- address it. Is there someone in your life who is failing to meet your expectations, or letting you down? If so, before addressing it with them, make sure your complaint is appropriate. Are you behaving the way you want that person to behave towards you? Unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of ourselves and of others lead to disappointment, disillusionment and frustration when those expectations are inevitably left unmet.
Competition can also fuel this good enough debate and our culture and society continually perpetuate this. Women may strive to compete with other women or men for opportunities, jobs and leadership roles. Our gender and for many of us, our gender and race can lead to an inherent need to prove we are good enough, if not better than our majority group counterparts. This too can lead to stress, anxiety, depression and a host of physical ailments.
Ask yourself, what did I do well enough today as a parent, friend, sister, spouse/partner, co-worker? Maybe it’s time to extend a little more grace to yourself. Remember- YOU are the light of the world. No one can replicate your light. Be that light you were created to be. Be you. Be bold. You’re more than good enough. You’re His masterpiece and You deserve a seat at the table just as you are. Read this enlightening article about the type of thinking that encourages us to be our best selves in all areas of life.
