The Horse and Carriage
Adulthood teaches us that fairy tales don’t exist and happily ever after is not everyone’s reality. But most optimists probably hope for it anyway.
Relationships are hard work and many become disillusioned, disappointed and disgusted when things don’t go as they expected or hoped.
For my married sisters, no one really explains the whole “two become one” metaphor but over the first 5 years or so of marriage you slowly discover the horror of what this actually means! Two different personalities, different perspectives, different life experiences and family backgrounds come crashing together into one life. This can be a perfect disaster with seasons where it’s all unicorns and butterflies and seasons where you want to ride that unicorn as far away from the other person as you can get. Frankly, you begin to realize you have the same 3 or 4 arguments over and over again often with little resolution. Most of us go around the same mountains several (hundred) times before we understand what the disagreements are trying to teach us about ourselves.
This is no picnic. It would be much easier if our partner realizes they are wrong, we are right and then just complies with our wants and needs. But more often than not, we don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel until we are open to learning what we need to address within ourselves. I know, not what you wanted to hear. Oftentimes a change in your perspective and a shift in focus gained from deeper self-reflection is what ultimately leads to a ripple effect of change in your partner and in the entire course of your relationship.
We are made to see things our own way and to be somewhat egocentric just like our partners. If each of us continues to dig in our heels and ignore our blind spots there is no hope for a happy present and future. I often reflect on things said during a heated argument that probably would not have been said if either person took a purposeful breathe and imagined they could be overheard by a friend or family member in the next room or remembered that words linger in the heart long after the argument is over.
Relationships too often fail when people give up without really trying. There comes a point in time when you are sick and tired of having the same old fight and no longer place more importance on being right than having peace, love and respect in your relationship. It seems the older we get the more challenging it becomes to live out the rule we were taught as children. Treat others the way we want to be treated, ie. love others, forgive others, comfort others, give others the benefit of the doubt the way we would want it given to us.
Be honest with yourself about your needs, wants and expectations and be honest with your partner. Don’t expect that the other person can or should read your mind. In fact, being as concrete and transparent as possible will serve you both well. No more magical thinking, wishing and crystal balls.
For my single and dating sisters, it can seem like slim pickings at times. The fear of never finding the right one or of being too picky or not picky enough. If there is anything you should be picky about it’s choosing who you plan to share the rest of your life with! I never received more advice in my life (most of it unsolicited) than before I got married. It seems everyone wants to weigh in on who you choose to date. As loving and well meaning as they can be, remember to listen to that voice inside and take your time. Rushing into something just to avoid loneliness or staying in something you know is unhealthy for the same reason is not honoring your self-worth.
Society sends us so many mixed messages. One minute we should be independent and not need anyone. Then we are told relationships are crucial to our mental health and we were not meant to be alone. As women, we want to be both strong and independent as well as capable of being in a healthy relationship that allows us to be ourselves. We have to balance our innate desire to nurture, please and take care of others, with a desire to also be taken care of while still being seen as fully capable of taking care of ourselves. Women, especially those of us in long-term relationships, have to remember that no one is responsible for our happiness and ultimate satisfaction in life…not our husbands or partners. Even when you think you know this truth on an intellectual level, the next time you find yourself mulling over a recent argument or hurt feelings, something a bit different may be revealed in you.
It’s important for women to love and accept themselves 1st before they can truly allow someone to love and accept them. You also cannot learn how to unconditionally love your partner if you don’t love yourself, flaws and all. Embrace the stretch marks, wayward hairs, gray strands and the curves. Do something each week to take care of yourself and take a moment to remember all of your blessings. This makes a world of difference in a life full of ups and downs as things can and often change before we’re ready.
Until next time….Listen more than you speak~Open your heart~Value yourself and others~Expect good to follow you
