Sticks and Stones
When you think back to your childhood or adolescence, can you remember something that was said to you, that hurt you deeply? Many of us may not even have to think back that far. Maybe you were the one who inflicted pain on someone else by something you said and wish you could take back.
It can be very difficult to forget certain experiences, especially the ones that get lodged in our memories perhaps through some emotional tie. Words can be like that…whether tear-jerkingly heart warming, hysterically funny or mean-spirited and gut wrenching, they tend to stay with us. Even when you’ve forgiven someone for something that was said, you often can’t forget the words or the emotions they left behind. You may even develop a wall of defenses aimed at preventing a hurt like that from happening again.
The childhood saying of sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me couldn’t be further from the truth. We should grow in the wisdom of choosing our words wisely. Often the best response in a tense exchange is not to say anything at all. It takes growth, humility and maturity to listen to the other person without judgment or defensiveness and just sit with their emotions. Too often we want the other person to quickly shut up so we can make our point. We aim to highlight all the ways that our opinions, feelings and viewpoints are right while invalidating theirs.
What happens when you are faced with the task of forgiving someone who doesn’t seem to accept responsibility for any wrongdoing? We have to forgive them anyway, trusting justice will come. It’s a mistake to think that your unforgiveness somehow rights a wrong or makes the other person pay for how they hurt you. It actually does the very opposite. You pay the price by losing peace, losing sleep, and holding onto anger and bitterness which steals your joy and blocks your blessings.
Can we truly love others for who they are without trying to force them to think like us and act like us? Sometimes it’s not about treating someone the way we want to be treated but it’s treating them the way they want to be treated.
While words can be hurtful, they can also be healing and can mend a broken relationship. True commitment to loving others better, can be very rewarding. We have to be willing to do the work. True unconditional love and forgiveness can be challenging, uncomfortable, scary, and downright unappealing at times. But it can also be freeing, beautiful, affirming and energizing. Ask yourself, is there any other way to have an authentic relationship?
“Forgiveness simply means loving someone enough to pursue healing instead of punishment when they have wronged you.” (DaveWillis.org)
